I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
