Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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