i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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