six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize