Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
