I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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