there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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