You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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