And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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