he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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