When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Holy sore nipples Batman
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
