Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Houston, we have a blender
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
