do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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