i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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