Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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