She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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