I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
