New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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