Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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