Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
