dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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