i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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