I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
