I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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