she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
