you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
