whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
