OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize