I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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