is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it's great music for shaving your balls
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You pole danced in your parka.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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