So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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