wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
