How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
