Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
