She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
