OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
