life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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