Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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