I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
