All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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