hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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