life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
