is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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