I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
