Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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