It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
