At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
