i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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