i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
