I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
