I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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