i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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