The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We don't watch enough power rangers
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
