wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
