i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
