I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
