And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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