life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
