i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
