Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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