Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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