My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
