party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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