hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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